The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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