Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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