There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
