Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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