I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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