I can text with my tongue
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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