he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
