Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
