it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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