I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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