Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Life is so much better after having sex.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
