I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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