dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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