Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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