this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
