Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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