Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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