Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
