Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So drunk its hurt
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
