Tell her she can't have a vagina
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
