I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
