2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
