the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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