i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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