I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
