2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
