my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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