Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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