Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
