He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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