Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
