i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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