She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
