im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
