Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
