it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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