its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
