Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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