Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
