Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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