Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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