I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
