and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
