I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
