The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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