She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
