I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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