why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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