how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
