Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
